Today's Song: Monster by Skillet

Well this post is not doubt going to seem really depressing and sad, that's because I am sad. I don't know why I'm so sad, well I kind of do but I don't like to think too hard or things will get too much on top of me.

Breaking up with someone is not fun at all, whether you're the one doing the breaking up or the one on the other end of it. I've never broken up with anything before, and it was not something I wish to do again. It seems I cannot handle relationships, or express my feelings and emotions very well to other people. I feel like maybe I'm just destined to be alone my whole life as being with someone doesn't work and I just screw it all up eventually. I just wish I knew why I get so freaked out with dating someone, why I can't show and tell them how I feel about them, why I can't be open with them, why I can't pick up the fucking phone! I know being in a relationship isn't easy, but I just make it harder than it needs to be and I guess I don't know how to be in a relationship, or maybe I just don't want to be right now. Having the confusion of which side to be on doesn't help either. AHH! I wish I could just make up my mind, things would be so much easier then.

Lets talk about self harm for a moment, people who don't do it can't seem to understand why people do do it. Each person has their own reasons for doing it, some are the same as others and some are different. I do it for a few different reasons, the one that mostly everyone knows is for a release from the pain I feel all the time, the feeling of cutting into my skin and feeling the blade slice through causing physical pain gives me a sense of relief from the pain I feel every day on the inside, a few years ago I was depressed for about a year and self harmed for almost that whole year, so by the end I got quite addicted to it, but somehow managed to stop. this time I've been doing it for about 3 weeks and again, I've gotten addicted to it, people may think how a person can become addicted, I guess it's like a drug, you crave it and get a good feeling, a release after it. I'm not going to go into all the reasons why I do it, some of them are too much for the blog, but that is one of them.

People say getting how you feel out on paper or a blog helps, but I just done this post and nothing has changed, I still feel everything the way I did, I still have all the problems and thoughts I had, getting them out on here or even by talking about them does not help.

If I talk about how I feel suicidal all the time, how I wish I could have the strength to down a load of pills and be done with it all, would it help the feeling of it? would it make me stop feeling like it? I don't think so.

So, I am going to stop here. This post just became pointless and meaningless.

Today's Song: Brick By Boring Brick by Paramore

Goodness, looooong time no post.

Where to start, quite a few things have happened in the last few months since my latest entry. gotten a year older, been to my first proper music festival (which was awesome by the way), even though I did get severe sunburn and heatstroke, it was amazing and I can't wait to go again next year. The band there were great, I even got to see one of my favourite bands live, which are Lacuna Coil. The sun and heat was intense though, I had major awful hayfever, and my eyes got so bad at one point I could hardly see out of them. Ended up wearing sunglasses 24 hours a day, which did my eyes no good at all. I STILL have the tan marks from that weekend, which was about 5 months ago now.

Had a couple other birthdays as well, started using my Blackberry phone more too, mainly only so I can go on the internet at work. But I'm starting to really love the Blackberry now. Wouldn't be without it.

Got a haircut, it's now a little shorter and I have a fringe, which I'm still getting used to. Not 100% sure if I like it fully or not yet. And in a few hours, my hair will be dark (hopefully) Purple. Haven't been Purple yet, been red, black, black with red highlights and brown, but not Purple, should be interesting.

Also, another thing that has happened, quite recently as well, is having to have my dog put to sleep. He was 13 years old, had cancer, and was in pain etc, so I know it was the right thing to do, but I miss him so much, he was part of this family, and had since I was about 10. That's a LONG time. Nothing is the same anymore, it feels kind of empty around the house, I have a cat too, so it's not totally empty (and I live with my parents & sister), but Smudge (the dog) was partly mine as much as he was the family pet. I still walk in the door and expect to see him there, to see him run up and greet me.

It's so hard when a dog or cat dies, it's like a big chunk of you gets ripped out, and nothing will ever be the same again.

Anyway, I'm going to stop there for today. I will try and post more often.


R.I.P. Smudge! <3

Today's Song: Kids by MGMT

Good song, check it out.

Today I am posting lyrics from one of my favoutie bands, I heard this song from their new album the other day, and they speak truth.

I never thought I'd be a soldier
I take my place inside the battle
I've come to realize the journey is over
Realize that life is sober

Everyday I'm like a soldier
Waking up within the battle
And through the haze I live a dream that's better
Than what I feel inside, diggin' in me

Suffering darkness in my eyes against the light of Rome
I see the reflection of a ghost that I've become
Waiting behind the windows, I resign to be alone
I want to feel alone and lost in this solitude

Shallow life
I'll stay close to the ground
Shallow life
The walls keep falling down
I close my eyes
I'll find my way around
In the shallow life

Welcome to the bottom line
Suffering darkness in my eyes against the night of Rome
I get confused and all I hear is just myself
I will resign and search for peace of mind, I'm on my own
I need to be alone and lost in this solitude

Shallow life
I'll stay close to the ground
Shallow life
The walls keep falling down
I close my eyes
I'll find my way around
In the shallow life

The walls keep falling
Shallow life
I'll stay close to the ground
Shallow life
The walls keep falling down
I close my eyes
I'll find my way around
In the shallow life
Shallow life

Welcome to the bottom line.

Today's Song: Cassie by Flyleaf

Yeah, so I know it's yet again been a while, but I have been taken over by forces in which I cannot deny.

Last night I was searching music on iTunes, and I came across this album called Nightmare Revisited. I thought it looked interesting, so I clicked on it and then realised that it was songs from the movie The Nightmare Before Christmas, which I love very much. And the songs are sung by different bands/artists.

If any of you like The Nightmare Before Christmas, I really do recommend that you check the album out. It is AMAZING!!

I don't really have anything important or interesting to share with you.
But I may have soon.

Until then, remember kids, hugs not drugs.

Today's Song: It's My Own Cheating Heart That Makes Me Cry by Glasvegas

I only found this song a couple days ago, it's totally amazing. I insist you download it.

The past few weeks Skins, which is a TV show here in England, has taken over my whole life, I eat, sleep and breathe this show, I know it's not healthy, but it's just a really amazing show.

It finishes next week, which I'm kind of relieved about, I get to go back to my life. Although I wish I didn't have to though, but never mind.

If none of you know what Skins is, or what it's about, sit back and I'll tell you a story.

It's about this group of teenagers who are just starting college, it follows them through a course of ten episodes, yes ten, sucks huh? each episode is about one of the characters, and is named after that character. It's on season 3 now, the first two series were amazing, but there is something special about this series, something that makes me love this series much more than the other two, something that has me wanting more, something that makes me become totally and completely obsessed. That something, are two people named Emily and Naomi.

Emily is a twin, she's overpowered by her twin, and is basically a doormat. Naomi is strong minded and politically aware, and she hates injustice. Emily is gay, but no one knows this, until she confesses to Naomi that she wants to kiss her. After a while of lusting looks between the two of them, and a few minor arguments about Naomi not being gay, they share a kiss, To which Emily finally admits that she is in fact, gay. Naomi is still baffled in denial, although it is blatantly obvious that she is gay, she refuses to accept it, and carries on. So then there are some more desired looks of love, Emily tries to confront Naomi but fails. Until finally the two seem to be getting on more, they spend most of their time together, so it seems anyway. And then, while standing beside some lockers at their college, Naomi announces that she's going away for the summer, alone, and starts to walk away. Emily is devastated, but what can she say? so she tells Naomi she will miss her, then Naomi stops, turns around and kisses Emily in the most love struck way you could think of. Then the two of them go back to Naomi's house and make love.

After their passionate time together Naomi is confused and when Emily asks if she would go with her to the Love Ball, Naomi says no. Naomi says she's confused and unsure, Emily asks if it's because she like boys as well, but Noami doesn't know. After Emily asks Naomi to go to the ball with her for the second time, Emily gets up from the bed and starts getting dressed, annoyed at Naomi's response, and tells Naomi that she is sick and tired of Naomi's unsureness and for using her, she then walks out, leaving Naomi looking hurt and upset.

The next morning Noami decides to go and see Emily and try to talk things out, but Emily is still asleep and Noami runs into Emily's mum, who was told by Emily the night before that her daughter is gay, and making love to a girl named Naomi. She invites a cautious Naomi in, and they sit down for a chat. Emily's mum tells Naomi to stop putting ideas into Emily's head, and not to screw her up, then tells Naomi goodbye, and Naomi runs out the front door.

Naomi tries to ring Emily a few times, but Emily wouldn't answer her phone. Then later that day there was The Love Ball, Emily and her twin sister Katie were going together, with Katie's sort of ex boyfriend and his friend JJ, just before the four of them go inside to the party, Naomi appears before them, Katie had told Naomi of Emily's night with JJ, Naomi lets Emily know that she knew what she had done with JJ (which was only a charity thing, and didn't mean anything to Emily, she was just trying to be a good friend to JJ, who has autism). Then Naomi walks inside the college to the party, an upset Emily walks in the opposite direction, and Katie follows Naomi into the party. When Katie catches up with Naomi and corners her, Katie starts pushing Noami around, telling her to stay away from her sister, Noami and Katie fight and argue, when Emily walks in, over hearing that Katie was the one who told Naomi about her and JJ. Emily starts to walk off but Katie goes after her telling her not to walk away, Emily then turns around and the two siblings fight out their differences in full view of the whole college. Just as Emily is about to punch Katie, she stops, gets up, helping Katie up too.

She tells Katie that she loves her, and that she will never really leave her, but she likes girls, she likes a girl, she is in love with this girl, the girls name, is Naomi. Naomi stands behind Katie listening to Emily confess her love for her, and she holds out her hand to Emily, waiting for Emily to accept it.

Emily then walks over to Noami, takes her hand, and the two of them walk out the college together, half way down the steps outside the college, Naomi tells Emily she loves her too.

How can you not love these two?

These two girls are the most amazing characters in a TV show, EVER.

Hope you all liked the story and thank you for reading.

Until next time.