Today's Song: Monster by Skillet

Well this post is not doubt going to seem really depressing and sad, that's because I am sad. I don't know why I'm so sad, well I kind of do but I don't like to think too hard or things will get too much on top of me.

Breaking up with someone is not fun at all, whether you're the one doing the breaking up or the one on the other end of it. I've never broken up with anything before, and it was not something I wish to do again. It seems I cannot handle relationships, or express my feelings and emotions very well to other people. I feel like maybe I'm just destined to be alone my whole life as being with someone doesn't work and I just screw it all up eventually. I just wish I knew why I get so freaked out with dating someone, why I can't show and tell them how I feel about them, why I can't be open with them, why I can't pick up the fucking phone! I know being in a relationship isn't easy, but I just make it harder than it needs to be and I guess I don't know how to be in a relationship, or maybe I just don't want to be right now. Having the confusion of which side to be on doesn't help either. AHH! I wish I could just make up my mind, things would be so much easier then.

Lets talk about self harm for a moment, people who don't do it can't seem to understand why people do do it. Each person has their own reasons for doing it, some are the same as others and some are different. I do it for a few different reasons, the one that mostly everyone knows is for a release from the pain I feel all the time, the feeling of cutting into my skin and feeling the blade slice through causing physical pain gives me a sense of relief from the pain I feel every day on the inside, a few years ago I was depressed for about a year and self harmed for almost that whole year, so by the end I got quite addicted to it, but somehow managed to stop. this time I've been doing it for about 3 weeks and again, I've gotten addicted to it, people may think how a person can become addicted, I guess it's like a drug, you crave it and get a good feeling, a release after it. I'm not going to go into all the reasons why I do it, some of them are too much for the blog, but that is one of them.

People say getting how you feel out on paper or a blog helps, but I just done this post and nothing has changed, I still feel everything the way I did, I still have all the problems and thoughts I had, getting them out on here or even by talking about them does not help.

If I talk about how I feel suicidal all the time, how I wish I could have the strength to down a load of pills and be done with it all, would it help the feeling of it? would it make me stop feeling like it? I don't think so.

So, I am going to stop here. This post just became pointless and meaningless.